Tuesday, November 01, 2005

so, im in a strange funk. big suprise. but, i can't figure out how long i've been here.
has it been a few days? weeks? months? ...or am i just having rampant mood swings that alter my personality from hyper and joyful to just really sucky?
Its an odd feeling to have come to a place and not realized how and when you arrived.
But that's where I am.
It has to be because so much of my life is just a bunch of beginnings...
or im at a bunch of halfways. or however you want to look at it, i have loose ends.
Just with people. with my education, ultimately my career. with everything im involved with. i look down at my planner on my desk here and can't help but feel apprehensive because not everything has a check mark by it yet. I just heard the dishwasher click in the kitchen, which means its DONE. and THAT brings a feeling of accomplishment. how weird am i. I always knew i was the type of person who "had to finish something once i started it"...but i never knew it would drive me into what could very well be a constant state of worry. i'm not supposed to be anxious. i'm supposed to let go and let God. we know that. but, then there's that meeting God in the middle part where somehow my little 'worry' feels like its ok to surface again. Like, I pray for God's will to be done in my life of course...but, i can't just you know, plop down on the side of the road and decide to never work a day in my life and think that God is going to "provide"... I have to LIVE. and its the living part which i 'feel' responsible for. Living for God of course...but also anxiety that I'm going to screw something up... err, DID screw something up.
Speaking of finishing what i started, i don't think i even finished what i was saying...
this stream-of-conciousness just really points out how scattered my brain is and how i can't really resolve a lot in my life because I can't devote the TIME or the ENERGY long enough to stay around with whatever or whomever it is.
I feel like I have let some people down. But, deeper inside is a person that feels like the 'outer' - person... [you know, that superficial worrisome (that word again) selfish person that tends to self-destruct]...that outer person is more to blame, and there is GOOD and there is someone with purpose beneath it all struggling to make her strength known. Boy, it looks like I could fit right in my abnormal psychology book. I'm not crazy, I'm just introspective. and right now, I'm not one for details. The loose ends will just have to be analyzed later.

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